Thanks for the Memories

Happy Th…ree Days After Thanksgiving, everyone! I meant to write this entry on Thanksgiving, but the bottle of Guinness I had with dinner had other plans. Having slept a whole lot and properly digested, I’m back into the writing fray. Compared to last year, Thanksgiving was a quiet affair; I barricaded myself into my room with several packs of dinner rolls (my favorite Thanksgiving food) along with some fruit and libations, enjoying a slow, methodical meal. More than ever, I miss my parents, Cthulhu, and Cthulhu’s family. That being said, there are plenty of things to feel grateful for right now. As corny as it is, I’ve decided to follow up on last year’s Thanksgiving special and jot down exactly what I’m thankful for this year.

First of all, I’m very thankful for my health. As I write this, COVID-19 continues to surge around the world. The United States has been hit especially hard, and life continues to be on regular lockdown. Even Tillamook County has been hit, as cases have emerged among jail and courthouse staff. I’ve tried to do my part to fight the epidemic by staying home all the time, minimizing my trips outside, consistently wearing a mask, and meeting with clients only telephonically. Still, I occasionally put myself at risk with my duties, having to visit the county jail and meet with clients in my office. There are many opportunities that I’ve had to catch the virus, and I’m very fortunate to have not caught it. As much as I take precautions, there is no doubt that luck has played a part in my safety. Although there are potential vaccines in sight, I will continue to be careful and hope that Fortune will continue to favor me.

Next, I’m really grateful for the economic security that I have maintained throughout this crisis. As part of the lockdowns brought on by the pandemic, many people have lost their jobs or have seen their pay cut (because of this, more people than usual are considered eligible for court-appointed counsel, something that has been consistent throughout the epidemic). Unlike many, I have continued to be paid regularly throughout the pandemic and have not had any difficulty with paying rent or for groceries. While part of this stability comes from working hard in school and finding the right job, I have no doubt that good fortune (again) played a major role in ensuring financial security. I’ll be sure to make the most of my fortunate position by continuing to help the less fortunate through defending the indigent.

Furthermore, I’m extremely grateful to still have numerous friends and relatives still supporting me. Between being buried in work and bunkered in my rented room, I don’t have a lot of opportunities to socialize or travel these days. Thanks to social media, various video chat programs, and good old-fashioned text messages, I’ve been able to stay in to touch with friends and family. Whether it’s my usual D&D online session, occasionally touching base with my parents, or catching up with an old university chum, I’ve tried to maintain some kind of social life through quarantine and quandaries. I haven’t been the best at staying in touch, but I promise to step up my contact game, friends (it’s a bit early, but I guess this counts as a New Year’s resolution—this post is now a Thanksgiving AND New Year’s special)!

Finally (like last year), I’m thankful all the little and/or stupid things in life that continue make my life a little more pleasant: pasta, TV Tropes, dried fruit, cat/puppy videos, naps, affectionate cats, Star Wars, tuna melts, almonds, Spotify, online shopping, sushi, Ace Attorney, cheese, wholesome Internet memes, cake, Honest Trailers, soft pretzels, classic rock radio stations, sourdough bread, online quizzes, salt, Cinema Snob reviews, Random Encounters videos, ASMR videos, chocolate, late-night talk shows, Pokémon, Death Battle, s****y coffee, fancy mochas from Starbucks, video games, ice cream, tie-dye t-shirts, my growing lapel pin collection, modding computer games, custom ringtones, having the technology to keep in touch with friends throughout a global ordeal, and this blog (which I am still writing for after an entire year).

Happy Belated Thanksgiving/Black Friday, everyone! L’Chayyim!

Anything Less than the Best is a Felony

It’s Month 8, Day I’ve-Lost-Track of quarantine.  The last 4 months or so have really flown by, each of which had their own flavor.  Because of quarantine, I haven’t had much to write about.  Now that several months have passed, I think I’ve amassed enough interesting subjects to write about now.

July was quite a busy month: I was flooded with 4 trials in 4 weeks, which is a lot more than I usually handle.  I was also assigned a flood of new cases, ranging from shoplifting (usually easy to resolve) to domestic violence (which is definitely my least favorite kind of case at this point).  Although social distancing guidelines are still in place, the circuit court started picking up steam, with cases no longer being delayed.  With cases being assigned and hearings coming up, I’ve found myself leaving the house 4 or 5 days a week and constantly going in and out of court.  Sometimes, I even have to burn the midnight oil, watching body cam footage on my laptop to make sure I stay on top of everything.  After several months of court being frozen out, it’s a little reassuring to have work starting to return to normal…or at least it was, until new restrictions by the state in mid-November caused the county to start delaying trials yet again.  As such, it’s back to working from home and staying isolated for the good of the realm.

As opposed to July, August was a fairly barren month in regard to trials.  I only had 1 trial scheduled at the end of the month (that ended up settling at the last second), so my court outings this month were limited to pretrial hearings.  Still, I endured the annoyances and boredoms of August and survived the Summer of Quarantine.

September is when things got kind of intense.  Early in the month, the entire West Coast was engulfed in wildfires.  The exact causes of the fires varied from location to location, but Tillamook County saw some massive conflagrations due to some downed power cables (which also caused a blackout for several terrifying hours; the first of several recent technical problems).  As a result of the rampaging fires, we were treated to an Oregon sky that looked like this.

The view from my room.

Yeah.  It was bad.

Because of the incredibly unhealthy, smog-filled air, everyone was encouraged to stay indoors (already kind of a given during a massive pandemic).  Life dragged on for 6 days under the orange sun, when we were then greeted by an old Oregon friend: rain.  Lots and lots of rain.

Here's the view from my car, taken close to the county jail.

Like all things, good and bad, the dramatic sky eventually came to a close, though it was gradual.  It wasn’t until the end of September that I was able to look out from the courthouse steps and see a view like this.

Moving on to more positive news, I recently passed several milestones.  I have now officially been a lawyer, a resident of Tillamook, the owner of a law office, and the writer of this blog for an entire year!  Furthermore, I am now major felony-certified (hence the title of this post).  What does this mean?  To put it simply, I am now allowed to try any criminal case in Oregon except murder (and possibly treason, but that’s a bit of a grey area).  This means I’m now in the big leagues.  Sure, I’ll be taking on gnarlier cases (like sex crimes and felonies with mandatory minimums), but it’s all part of the escalating journey that is my legal career.

Because of work and quarantine, I was unable to find a costume for Halloween.  Given that I typically dress like a cross between Phoenix Wright and the Winter Soldier on any given workday, I figured I was fine in the costume department anyway.

As the year 2020 keeps chugging towards its conclusion, things can still feel somewhat overwhelming.  The global pandemic is still raging, the United States just finished a toxic election season, and I haven’t seen Cthulhu in person for 8 months.  With the holiday season coming up, there’s a lot of potential for things to get better or worse.  No matter what happens, I’ll try to stay alive, stay positive, and stay strong in the face of craziness.

 

Hiatus

 Due to a lack of content, Benjamin Fischberg: A[pprenti]ce Attorney will be on indefinite hiatus until the COVID-19 pandemic has settled down.

Going the (Social) Distance

It’s been 4 months since my last blog entry.  Despite hopes to the contrary, quarantine is still in effect (although the exact conditions vary, especially county-to-county; some businesses are opening up, but masks are generally required).  However, there are some things that transcend quarantine—criminal justice is one of them.  As such, I’ve actually had to start going into the office to get work done and even found myself in court.  Because court proceedings can only be suspended for so long, the circuit court has resumed some trials.  Last week, I got to see this first-hand: I tried a case before a jury, but with brand-new social distancing guidelines in place!

Before discussing this interesting trial experience, there’s something else I want to address.  In the past 4 months, in the shadow of COVID-19, there has been a growing protest movement regarding criminal justice reform, racial injustice, and police brutality.  While protests of this kind are certainly nothing new, these protests and the accompanying dialogue have been receiving far more attention on the national stage than usual—there is a lot of potential for change blowing in the wind.  I have my own feelings on this discourse—some complex and some strong—but such discussions are beyond the scope of this blog, which is mostly meant for goofy entertainment purposes.  As such, I will not go further, but I encourage any and all readers to look into this further to learn more.  Future readers: I recommend looking up “George Floyd protests” in your search engine of choice to learn about what was going on in 2020.  Current readers: I recommend going to https://www.joincampaignzero.org/solutions to learn more about proposed policies that are being discussed.  It’s only part of the discussion, but I feel that it is a good starting point for laypeople.

(Note: this blog is not financially associated or otherwise affiliated with Campaign Zero.)

On to the main event: last week saw me conducting my first jury trial in Tillamook County!  I won’t go into too many details of the case, but it was a 2-count misdemeanor trial: 1 allegation of Menacing (putting one in fear of imminent serious physical harm) and 1 allegation of Criminal Mischief in the Second Degree (causing unwanted damage to a motor vehicle, in this case).  Because the charges were fairly minor and there were only 3 witnesses, this kind of case would normally take only 1 day to resolve.  However, the specter of COVID-19 meant that distancing precautions needed to be taken, which limited the number of potential jurors that could be questioned.  Normally, jury selection (something I have never done without a supervising attorney before) involves questioning 45 or so jurors at once spread throughout the courtroom.  With social distancing guidelines in place (which also required that everyone—jurors, lawyers, witnesses, and judge—wear masks for face shields), we could only have 15 at a time.  This doubled the length of jury selection and caused the trial to go into 2 days (also a first for me).  This let me dust off my (very rusty, 2-years-unused) voir dire skills and use/practice them not once, but twice.  Truth be told, it was a tough crowd; my friendly lighthearted approach that I developed in Salem, Oregon didn’t garner much positive response with the first pool, so I changed my tactics to be short and direct for the second pool (something to remember in the future with Tillamook juries).  Jury selection aside, the trial mostly went on as smoothly as I could hope.  I kept my opening statement short, defanged potentially harmful testimony through cross-examinations and hearsay objections, made appropriate motions for judgment of acquittal (which were denied, as usual), let my client tell his story through direct examination (while also trying to mitigate the harm caused by him more or less admitting to criminal action—quick tip: when on trial for menacing, assault, or something similar, don’t tell a jury “I would have shot him if I was carrying” or “at that point, I wanted to break his windows and drag him outside”), and delivered closing arguments that were rather eloquent (for me, at any rate).  When all was said and done, it was time for jury deliberation.  My heart pounding, and with little else to immediately do, I hit up the local Starbucks, grabbed some goodies, and came back to court to wait.

I had been sitting in the courthouse lobby for only about 5 minutes when I received a call that the jury had reached a verdict.  Once everyone was back in the courtroom and the verdict forms were in the hands of the judge, the verdict was read.  On the charge of Menacing, my client was found guilty.  Based on comments he had made on the stand, I wasn’t too surprised.  What did surprise me a little (though not that much, based on how many juries operate) was that he was found not guilty of Criminal Mischief in the Second Degree.  My client and I wanting to strike while the iron was hot, we asked to move into sentencing immediately.  I requested that the court release my client on credit for time served, as he had already been imprisoned for several months and did not pose a threat to others.  Conversely, the state argued that my client was dangerously delusional and requested 3 years probation with 6 months incarceration.  My client explained to the court that he was perfectly sane, harmless, and planning to leave the state…and then proceeded to shoot our case in the foot by saying that he was moving in with his friend Kim Kardashian, whom he claimed had been in court January on his behalf (note: she wasn’t).  Ultimately, the judge determined that probation would serve little purpose and that a flat jail sentence was in order.  She sentenced my client to 9 months, and the case was over.  Still, there was one bright spot that pleased me and my client; since he was acquitted of the criminal mischief charge, there was no financial restitution or obligation to pay.

Ultimately, I feel the trial mostly went well, given the facts I was working with and my relative inexperience.  It certainly feels weird to jump into the deep end after several months of isolation, but everything feels a little weird in this line of work.  The social distancing aspect was an interesting twist (and it was kind of amusing to see everyone wearing masks), but it ultimately didn’t factor into things too much (although I did raise some objections to get witnesses to remove their masks so that the jury could assess credibility).  Another interesting twist was that the case was prosecuted by a certified law clerk (albeit with a supervising prosecutor).  As a former law clerk myself, I got a little wistful.  Two years ago, I was sitting with a supervising attorney and trying my first cases.  Two years later, I’m on my own, handling cases like a professional.  Time really does fly…

Anyway, I’ll need to work on my voir dire skills, but it’s reassuring to see that I still have most of my trial skills on hand…which I’ll be needing again soon, as my next jury trial is set for this week!  Back into the fray!

Splendid Isolation

…You know, I expected 2020 to bring all sorts of new challenges for me to face.  I expected to grow in brand new ways and to launch my career in the face of social strife.  Still, I have to say: “being quarantined at home due to a global pandemic” was not exactly the kind of challenge I had in mind.

For those living under a rock (or those reading from the future), the entire world is currently in the grip of COVID-19, a coronavirus pandemic that started in December 2019 and accelerated rapidly over 3 months.  Over the last few weeks, almost everywhere and everyone seems to be in fear of this new disease, which currently has no cure or vaccine.  Because this disease is particularly dangerous to those with compromised immune systems and those over 60, health authorities everywhere are encouraging people everywhere to minimize social gatherings, work from home, and keep a distance of 6 feet from others while traveling outdoors.  Unfortunately, a lot of people in Oregon have not gotten the memo about this and have been packing beaches and hiking trails over the past few weekends.  Because we apparently can’t have nice things, the Governor has thereby signed an executive order mandating staying at home except for grocery/medical/other necessary purposes and attaching criminal penalties for noncompliance.  While I am a little uncomfortable about this heavy-handed use of criminal law (and concerned about how this order can be enforced without seriously violating privacy), I hope this order will convince people in this state to start taking the pandemic seriously.  As of writing this, Tillamook County has only 2 confirmed cases of COVID-19—on behalf of my clients and colleagues, I hope it stays that way.

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected all walks of life, and I am not exempt.  Initially, my work was mostly unaffected by the pandemic, but the county authorities soon started to put measures into effect.  First, hand sanitizer stations were placed at all courtroom entrances and jail visits were strictly limited.  Next, the DA’s office put measures into place so that I could only check my discovery box once a day.  Then, the court closed 1 of the courtrooms and started setting over cases.  Now, the courthouse has completely shut down except for necessary hearings (usually involving cases with jailed defendants).  The courts and Sheriff's Office have taken steps to limit the jail population, releasing inmates early and granting conditional release to all but the most risky defendants (as of now, only 1 of my active clients is detained; the rest are on conditional release or bail).  Some of my clients have benefited, as jail sentences are now usually kept low and probation with few conditions is the norm.  Meanwhile, my work has mostly ground to a halt.  Almost every court appointment I had scheduled in the next 2 weeks has now been set over to July, and I hardly ever go to my office anymore.  Most of my “work” these days consists of calling clients to tell them their court dates have been moved back while I sit quarantined in my room.  I haven’t worn a suit in several days, and I sometimes have to remind myself that I’m still a lawyer.  Until health authorities are able to get COVID-19 under control, this will likely remain my existence for the foreseeable future.

For now, I’m doing my part to help matters and avoid spreading infection.  I’ve been staying indoors (mostly in my room) all day for the past few days, and I only ever leave the house to get groceries or take care of something pressing at the office.  I’ve been doing my best to get by; mostly, I sleep a lot (a luxury I haven’t had in quite a while).  I can’t eat out, and I’m hesitant to cook in the communal kitchen, so I’ve mostly been living off of cheese, crackers, dried fruit, and protein bars for the last week or so.  With relatively little work to do and many places in town off limits, I’m taking various steps to keep myself occupied: I’ve been watching/re-watching various movies on my Netflix queue, catching up on Castlevania on Netflix, reading a self-help book, Facetiming Cthulhu (my sweetheart, not The Sleeper of R’lyeh), playing video games (mostly bouncing between Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney, Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag, Super Mario Bros., Kitty Powers’ Matchmaker, and Plague Inc.: Evolved so far), searching the Internet for possible new suit accessories,  and working on this blog.  With a lot at stake, I hope for a return to normalcy soon.  Until then, I’ll keep washing my hands, get plenty of rest, and try to enjoy my alone time.

My "getting through quarantine" starter pack.

Trial by Ordeal

Well, it’s finally happened: after week after week of plea bargaining and pretrial hearings, I have finally tried a case in Tillamook County!  I’ve tried cases before (back when I was a court-certified law student), but my first “official” “professional” trial feels like quite the milestone!

This was a trial in the making for quite a while, involving an incident from last year.  There have been other trials that have been slated on my calendar for the past 2 months, but here’s the weird thing about trials: they VERY RARELY go through.  As I’ve alluded to in previous entries, it’s estimated that about 95–98% of all criminal cases end with a plea deal.  I don’t have the exact statistics for my caseload, but I think I’ve had less than 5 cases that didn’t end in a plea bargain.  Even when clients initially reject a plea deal, they tend to change their mind after a few weeks in jail.  As such, all of my scheduled trials for January and February ended up delayed or cancelled.  February is a good illustration of this: by mid-January, I had 4 trials set for February—one each week.  However, 3 clients changed their pleas last-second at settlement conferences (meetings held a week before trial to make sure the trial is still on) and 1 trial was set over until April.  Setovers are common in this line of work—with only 2 judges/courtrooms, there are many instances where multiple trials are scheduled for the same courtroom on the same day.  To accommodate this, priority is given to older cases and detained defendants, with low-priority cases getting moved back.  Between clients pleading out and limited court resources, it’s something of a minor miracle for a trial to actually start—a miracle I got to experience firsthand after weeks of delays.

My miracle occurred on March 3; it was a misdemeanor case I had first been assigned in December (I won’t go into details).  The reason this case took so long to get to trial was the need for proper investigation; there was scanty evidence supporting my defense theory, so I needed my private investigator (yes, I have a private investigator—Oregon Public Defense Services reimburses him for every investigation and he is EXTREMELY helpful) to search the crime scene and talk to witnesses.  Ultimately, the investigation yielded little, and I had to proceed to trial with what I had.  My client waived her right to a jury trial, so it was a bench trial.  This was a little reassuring for me; bench trials are a little less formal and require a bit less preparation.  When the big day arrived, I was ready to go.  For the entire morning, I broke out the skills I learned in law school and honed at the Public Defender of Marion County: I made appropriate objections, cross-examined the witnesses, futzed with technology (there was some difficulty in playing back body cam footage—the DA’s office almost had to break out one of their laptops reserved for collecting, er, special evidence in sensitive cases), made an impassioned motion for judgment of acquittal (which the judge promptly denied), and stumbled my way through a closing argument (which was the only area that I felt really needed work).  Finally, the defense rested, and my work was over.  The judge went over the evidence, discussed his views on the case, and delivered his verdict: Guilty.  Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, the facts and law don’t always support your client; convictions are inevitable when you do criminal defense.  As per my client’s request, sentencing was set over a week so that we could discuss our options and strategize.

Sentencing wasn’t the only thing on my mind for the rest of the week—I had another trial scheduled for March 10, with the previous case’s sentencing set for a recess in the middle of the day (this is a common arrangement that is necessary when you only have 2 courtrooms).  After a jailhouse meeting with my now-convicted client, I spent most of my spare energy on getting ready for my next trial.  I was all ready to go…but the trial was set over a month on March 9 (huge surprise there).  As such, March 10 ended up being more relaxed than usual, with only sentencing requiring my urgent attention.  The prosecutor and I agreed that my client didn’t belong in jail—the place we differed was the matter of probation.  The state wanted to impose 18 months of probation, complete with mandatory mental health/anger treatment programs and no-contact orders with the victim and witnesses.  Conversely, I argued that my client was not a danger to anyone and that the 60+ days that she had already spent behind bars was sufficient punishment enough.  After hearing our positions, the judge (a different judge—the trial judge was out sick) stated that she didn’t see any value to probation in this case and went with my position, sentencing my client to 60 days jail and authorizing her release on credit for time served.  With that, my client was a free woman, free from state interference even after a long-delayed trial..  In this way, even though I lost the trial, I kind of won the case.  Not bad for my 6th month as a lawyer!

With almost 6 whole months of lawyer experience and 1 whole lawyer trial under my belt, I feel like I’ve been settling into my existence as a small-town criminal defense attorney.  I have plenty of more trials on the horizon, but I’m feeling more ready for them.  Some of my clients tell me that rumors of my incompetence/inexperience are rampant in the jail, but I’ve developed a thick skin.  My current feelings can best be summed up by an experience I had at a suppression hearing I had last week.  After both sides presented motions, memos, and arguments, the judge said that she would take the matter under consideration and issue a ruling later (as of now, the matter is still unresolved).  However, she asked to see me in her chambers afterwards.  Keeping cool externally, I panicked internally, wondering what I had done wrong.  Were my legal points way off-base?  Did I botch my oral argument?  When I appeared in front of her, she said “I just wanted to say: great work on your motion!  It’s refreshing to read a defense motion that actually focuses on the case instead of reciting every legal rule without context.”  I left the courthouse in a great mood, sure that I can take whatever this profession throws at me.

(In a writing-based note, I’d like to say a special thanks to Professor Ed Harri, my Legal Research and Writing professor who passed away last week.  There is no doubt that he helped me become the lawyer I am today.  He constantly challenged me to improve my skills, encouraged me to join Willamette Law Review, and was a great role model throughout my budding legal career.  Thank you, Professor Harri.)

In non-trial news, here’s another installment of…

GREAT MOMENTS IN TILLAMOOK JURISPRUDENCE

*insert sophisticated music*

Episode VI: Ignored Instructions

Judge: [finishing arraignment] Sir, we’ll have you back for case management next week.

Defendant: OK.  Look, Your Honor, I just want to get this over with; I’m really sorry…

Benjamin D. Fischberg, Attorney at Law: [cutting in] Sir, you’re being recorded.  You should probably stop talking for now.

D: Look, I just want to say that I’m sorry about…

J: [cutting in] Sir, as Mr. Fischberg has advised, everything you’re saying is being recorded.

D: But I really want to resolve this.  Can’t I say something?

J: Sir, Mr. Fischberg has given you sound advice to not say anything.  I’m also advising you to not say anything, but you are allowed to speak if you really want to.

D: I understand, and I appreciate the advice, but I have to get this out.

[Defendant proceeds to confess to the charges in detail, explaining that he made poor judgments and is willing to pay the penalty.]

J: …Alright, case management will be next week.

Saint Valentine's Day Massacre

Hi, everybody!  I know it’s been over a month since I last posted, but rest assured: I’m still very much alive.  Beaten down, but alive.  While my job generally has gotten every week, there are still bumps in the road.  In particular, I just survived a pretty gnarly week that had me on edge at times.

The week got off to a rough start on Monday—due to some scheduling mishaps, I was scheduled to be in two different courtrooms handling several different cases at the same time!  Such is life when there are fewer than 15 defense attorneys in the county.  Lacking a time machine or cloning apparatus, this made matters complicated.  Nevertheless, I got through the day with some help from cooperative prosecutors and understanding judges.

However, Monday was just the beginning.  My entire week wound up being dominated by one particular legal problem that no one seemed to know the answer to.  Due to client confidentiality, I can’t describe it here; let’s just say it involved booze, a domestic violence report, some annoying Latin phrases (I really don’t want to hear the phrase “subpoena duces tecum” for a while), an annoyed judge, and the Freemasons.  Eventually (and after a lot of missed sleep), I figured out a solution of sorts with a little guidance and a whole lot of patience.  With my week being what it was, I found myself itching for Cthulhu’s company, only 2–3 hours away (especially with Valentine’s Day behind the corner).  Unfortunately, duty comes before romance—I have a scheduled trial coming up soon.  Given that it will be my first trial in this county (others have been canceled due to last-minute settlement), I figured that it was important to stay in town and prepare.  Putting my desires on hold (at least for now), I buckled down for a fairly busy Valentine’s Day.

Despite being a Friday, Valentine’s Day was especially busy down at the courthouse.  Since President’s Day is a legal holiday, a lot of routine hearings that would normally take place on a Monday were scheduled early for Friday.  As such, Valentine’s Day wound up being a bit of a redux of Monday, where I had to scramble between courtrooms to make it to every hearing (there weren’t any direct conflicts this time, but there were incidents where I had a hearing in one courtroom immediately after 2 in another courtroom).  I also had a last-minute change of plea hearing scheduled for late afternoon (much to the relief of my client, who got out of jail immediately as a result instead of waiting another week or so).  Eventually, the hurly burly of work wound down, and I had a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner to enjoy with three of my lovers—me, myself, and I.  To celebrate, I chose to dine at a restaurant so kinky and risqué, its name is a colloquial English derivation of Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and orgies.  That’s right—I’m talking about the den of sin and debauchery known as Denny’s. >:)  Hedonistic revelry complete, I returned to my quarters and FaceTimed Cthulhu, ensuring that we still got to spend Valentine’s Day with each other, even with a county between us.  All in all, I may have been alone and overworked, but it was a pretty decent Valentine’s Day. <3

Valentine’s Day was promptly followed by its sister holiday: Cheap Candy Day!  I took full advantage of this and stocked up for the long weekend.  Throughout the rest of the weekend, I prepared for the week to come, both by getting plenty of rest and by practicing and refining my arguments for trial.  I also was sure to get a haircut so that I’d look more like a modern lawyer and less like a caveman lawyer.  All in all, I’ve survived the trials of this past week.  I’m now ready for the trial set for this week.  It’ll be daunting, but I’ll finally make my courtroom debut in Tillamook…unless the trial gets settled or moved at the last second, which happens a lot (such is life when the county courthouse only has two courtrooms).  Either way, here I go!

With all of that said, it’s time for another installment of…

GREAT MOMENTS IN TILLAMOOK JURISPRUDENCE

*insert sophisticated music*

Episode V: War on Christians

Judge: [proceeding through arraignment] Sir, look at line 10 on the charging instrument.  Is that your correct date of birth?

Defendant: Yeah.  Listen judge, this has all been a mistake.  Look, I’m a new-age Christian, here to spread Jesus’s love…

J: Sir, this is not the time to discuss that.

[arraignment continues without incident…briefly]

J: …your bail is hereby set at $9,000.  You can post 10% of that to be released.  Now…

D: [interrupting] Like I said, brother, this is all a misunderstanding.  I mean nothing bad.  I’m here to spread Jesus’s love, which is why I’ve been running around like crazy and…

Benjamin D. Fischberg, Attorney at Law: [cutting in] Sir, everything you’re saying is being recorded and can be used as evidence against you.  I recommend you stop talking for now until you can speak properly with your lawyer.

D: No, brother, I have to be heard.  You should listen up, man!  They’re persecuting Christians all over Tillamook and Oregon and that’s why we need to…

J: [visibly annoyed] Your case management will be next week.  Thank you, Deputy; take him away.

[Defendant is miraculously not charged with contempt, and I have to work really hard not to laugh.  Court is done for the day; I go back to the office not quite believing what just happened.]

Happy Birthday, Mr. Resident

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!  WOOOOOOO!!!  This means celebration!…within reason; I still have a job these joyous days.

That being said, things at work have been rather calm these last few days.  I didn’t receive any new clients last week, my soonest trial is next month, and my imprisoned clients are up to date on their cases.  Because things were going smoothly, I figured that I was free enough to head down to Salem to see Cthulhu (my partner, not the Great Old One).  On Friday, I got off work early and drove on down for 2–3 hours.  What made this trip special was that the entire Portland area was consumed by a massive thunderstorm, making travel a unique challenge.  Here, “unique challenge” means that my vision was obscured even with my wipers on max setting and trees were falling down onto the road—at one point, I even drove over part of a downed tree!  Miraculously, the Benmobile didn’t seem to suffer any significant damage; even more miraculously, I made it to Salem in one piece.  I kept myself sane by staying focused on the destination and singing along with songs on the radio (appropriately enough, “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max was playing when the storm was at its craziest).

Down in Salem, it was wonderful to be in Cthulhu’s warm embrace and to not be thinking constantly about domestic violence and/or substance abuse.  I played Pokémon Shield, ate peppermint bark, and enjoyed the sights and cuisine from Salem that I missed.  I even managed to arrange a small get-together as an impromptu early birthday celebration.  When all was done, it was time for me to head back on Sunday; the forestry state workers had done their jobs right, and there was virtually no debris on my 2–3-hour trip home.  The weather was still rainy, but I wasn’t scared for my safety this time—progress!

Finally, it was the day of my birthday.  I had originally hoped to take most of the day off, but the wheels of justice grind on regardless of commemorations of birth; I had to handle a case management and cover in-custody arraignments (my specialty).  Still, I managed to take it relatively easy between my main events, reviewing reports and setting up office appointments from the comfort of my office.  I even managed to finish up earlier than usual: at 4:50pm (I know, I’m such a rebel)!  This meant I could finally go home, rest up, and appreciate some birthday bliss…before the crushing realization that I’m now 27 set in.  Wheeee!!!  In all seriousness, I felt this was a great day, even if it was busier than most birthdays.

It may not be a cake, but I've figured out how to celebrate birthdays just fine Tillamook-style.

One additional odd thing of note: at my impromptu birthday celebration, I received two coin banks.  After some consideration, I decided to put my new Batman coin bank in my office.  Batman may not necessarily fit the image of a law office, but it fits better than the alternative…

 

Batman, who now stares down at visiting clients and holds my change.

The alternative, which I have elected to leave on the main table in my living space.

I don’t feel like writing anymore, so I’ll close this entry with another installment of…

GREAT MOMENTS IN TILLAMOOK JURISPRUDENCE

*insert sophisticated music*

Episode IV: To Chambers in a Handbasket

Benjamin D. Fischberg, Attorney at Law: [going through motions of arraignment] We acknowledge receipt of this charging instrument.  We waive formal reading of the charges and advice of rights but reserve the right to challenge the charging instrument at a later date.

Judge: Very well.  Based on the charges, bail is set at $30,000.  You can post 10% of that to be released.  We’ll set your next hearing for next week.  Sir, please keep in contact with your attorney…

Defendant: [interrupting] Yeah whatever, you’re not a real judge.  Go to hell!

[note: the judge in this case is in fact a real judge]

J: [calmly but firmly] Keep in contact with your attorney, sir!  We’ll see you next week.  Deputy, please take him away.

[Defendant is miraculously not charged with contempt of court.  I have to struggle a little to hold in my gasps/laughter.]

Benjamin Fischberg: Rookie Representative

Happy (Very Belated) New Year, readers!  The year 2019 has sunk into the abyss of time, with 2020 coming out to take its place.  Time for a new year of hard work, eating dairy/seafood, exploring Tillamook County, embarrassing myself in front of judges, dealing with pleasant clients, dealing with difficult clients, blogging, finding bold new adventures, skip tracing, picking up old/new hobbies, spending more time in jail than in court, trying to keep calm, and continuing to grow.

As the year begins, now feels like an appropriate time to reflect on my position and realize that I’m doing things I never expected to do in my career.  Namely, I didn’t expect to own a car until late last year (I figured I’d be the kind of urban dweller to always walk or use urban transportation), and I never thought I’d be opening my own law office right out of law school (I’ve always considered immediate private practice to be risky, and I figured I’d start at a public defender office or the like).  If anything, events in 2019 have shown me that the future is unpredictable, unknown, and f***ing crazy.  I look forward to seeing what the future holds (though with current events being what they are, I’m a little anxious too).  My career as a lawyer has only just begun; who knows what will change in 2020 alone.

In the grand tradition of years past, I’ve spent the turn of the year thinking up of New Year’s resolutions.  Overall, there are two things I want to focus on: (1) getting healthier (whether by eating better, working out, or getting massages to deal with my constantly aching neck) and (2) finding a better way to balance work and the rest of my life (I have no idea at the moment how to do so, so I’ll have to experiment).  Time will tell how these noble-yet-vague goals will be met this year.

My first day of working this year (January 2) certainly went well.  I had a suppression hearing scheduled that I had been dreading for some time.  This would be my first real suppression hearing, and it was set in front of the toughest judge in Tillamook County.  I read the law and felt that I was in the right, but one never knows how these things will go.  Two hours before the hour of judgment, I stopped by the courthouse to serve a motion regarding an unrelated case and checked my mailbox at the DA’s office (which is how I receive discovery, plea offers, and service of motions from prosecutors).  There, I found…a filed motion for dismissing the case in question.  The prosecutor was dropping charges against my client, and the hearing was cancelled.  It was a day-after-New-Year’s-Day miracle (or my motion to suppress was just that good)!  This meant a happy client and one less trial in January, so I felt pretty good for the rest of the day.  Sure, I then had to stay at the county jail until 8:45pm to talk with other clients in preparation for their cases, but it was still a good day.  Here’s to more days with dropped charges, happy clients, and a relieved defense attorney!

To finish this post off, it’s time for another installment of…

GREAT MOMENTS IN TILLAMOOK JURISPRUDENCE

*insert sophisticated music*

Episode III: Jumping the Gun

Judge: Ma’am, will you be applying for court-appointed counsel?

Defendant: No, I think I’ll represent myself.

J: Ma’am, I read the advice of rights to the last defendant who wanted to represent themself.  Having heard all of the ways an attorney can help you, are you sure you want to represent yourself?

D: Yeah, it should be pretty easy to represent myself.  I mean, I’m totally guilty.

[awkward pause; it is worth remembering that everything in court is audio-recorded and admissible as evidence]

J: …Ma’am, that may be so, but a lawyer can help you navigate the system and help you get the best possible sentence.

D: Alright, I’ll take the court-appointed attorney.

J: Good choice.  You’ll need to fill out the paperwork in the lobby, but I’ll appoint Mr. Fischberg from the Tillamook County Defense Consortium as your lawyer.

[Defendant is now my client.]