Hi, everybody! I know it’s been over a month since I last posted,
but rest assured: I’m still very much alive.
Beaten down, but alive. While my
job generally has gotten every week, there are still bumps in the road. In particular, I just survived a pretty
gnarly week that had me on edge at times.
The week got off to a rough
start on Monday—due to some scheduling mishaps, I was scheduled to be in two
different courtrooms handling several different cases at the same time! Such is life when there are fewer than 15
defense attorneys in the county. Lacking
a time machine or cloning apparatus, this made matters complicated. Nevertheless, I got through the day with some
help from cooperative prosecutors and understanding judges.
However, Monday was just the
beginning. My entire week wound up being
dominated by one particular legal problem that no one seemed to know the answer
to. Due to client confidentiality, I can’t
describe it here; let’s just say it involved booze, a domestic violence report,
some annoying Latin phrases (I really don’t want to hear the phrase “subpoena duces
tecum” for a while), an annoyed judge, and the Freemasons. Eventually (and after a lot of missed sleep),
I figured out a solution of sorts with a little guidance and a whole lot of
patience. With my week being what it was,
I found myself itching for Cthulhu’s company, only 2–3 hours away (especially
with Valentine’s Day behind the corner).
Unfortunately, duty comes before romance—I have a scheduled trial coming
up soon. Given that it will be my first
trial in this county (others have been canceled due to last-minute settlement),
I figured that it was important to stay in town and prepare. Putting my desires on hold (at least for now),
I buckled down for a fairly busy Valentine’s Day.
Despite being a Friday, Valentine’s
Day was especially busy down at the courthouse.
Since President’s Day is a legal holiday, a lot of routine hearings that
would normally take place on a Monday were scheduled early for Friday. As such, Valentine’s Day wound up being a bit
of a redux of Monday, where I had to scramble between courtrooms to make it to
every hearing (there weren’t any direct conflicts this time, but there were
incidents where I had a hearing in one courtroom immediately after 2 in another
courtroom). I also had a last-minute
change of plea hearing scheduled for late afternoon (much to the relief of my
client, who got out of jail immediately as a result instead of waiting another
week or so). Eventually, the hurly burly
of work wound down, and I had a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner to enjoy with
three of my lovers—me, myself, and I. To
celebrate, I chose to dine at a restaurant so kinky and risqué, its name is a
colloquial English derivation of Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and
orgies. That’s right—I’m talking about
the den of sin and debauchery known as Denny’s. >:) Hedonistic revelry complete, I returned to my
quarters and FaceTimed Cthulhu, ensuring that we still got to spend Valentine’s
Day with each other, even with a county between us. All in all, I may have been alone and
overworked, but it was a pretty decent Valentine’s Day. <3
Valentine’s Day was promptly
followed by its sister holiday: Cheap Candy Day! I took full advantage of this and stocked up
for the long weekend. Throughout the rest
of the weekend, I prepared for the week to come, both by getting plenty of rest
and by practicing and refining my arguments for trial. I also was sure to get a haircut so that I’d look
more like a modern lawyer and less like a caveman lawyer. All in all, I’ve survived the trials of this
past week. I’m now ready for the trial
set for this week. It’ll be daunting,
but I’ll finally make my courtroom debut in Tillamook…unless the trial gets
settled or moved at the last second, which happens a lot (such is life when the
county courthouse only has two courtrooms).
Either way, here I go!
With all of that said, it’s time
for another installment of…
GREAT MOMENTS IN TILLAMOOK JURISPRUDENCE
*insert sophisticated music*
Episode V: War on Christians
Judge: [proceeding through
arraignment] Sir, look at line 10 on the charging instrument. Is that your correct date of birth?
Defendant: Yeah. Listen judge, this has all been a
mistake. Look, I’m a new-age Christian,
here to spread Jesus’s love…
J: Sir, this is not the time to
discuss that.
[arraignment continues without
incident…briefly]
J: …your bail is hereby set at
$9,000. You can post 10% of that to be
released. Now…
D: [interrupting] Like I said,
brother, this is all a misunderstanding.
I mean nothing bad. I’m here to spread
Jesus’s love, which is why I’ve been running around like crazy and…
Benjamin D. Fischberg, Attorney
at Law: [cutting in] Sir, everything you’re saying is being recorded and can be
used as evidence against you. I recommend
you stop talking for now until you can speak properly with your lawyer.
D: No, brother, I have to be
heard. You should listen up, man! They’re persecuting Christians all over
Tillamook and Oregon and that’s why we need to…
J: [visibly annoyed] Your case
management will be next week. Thank you,
Deputy; take him away.
[Defendant is miraculously not
charged with contempt, and I have to work really hard not to laugh. Court is done for the day; I go back to the
office not quite believing what just happened.]
